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Saturday, May 05, 2007

it’s late I know, but something crossed my mind and I can’t sleep because of it.
I just remembered the time when I got very upset with myself.
That’s when I first failed a subject.
I was a new freshman in college then. And I got upset not because it’s my first time to fail but because
I lost my scholarship together with it.

My mom was very disappointed in me. She can’t stop herself blaming me every now and then.
I cried myself to sleep for several nights because of that.
She had never blamed me like that before. I never saw her cry before because of something I’ve done wrong.
Only then.

And I can’t understand why.
Shouldn’t she be thankful that I was able to use the scholarship for at least a sem?
Couldn’t she be thankful that in the first place I was able to get myself a scholarship?
Couldn’t she see that I really don’t want what had happened?

And just now - - after a year - - I suddenly realized what she must have felt that time.
The time I was granted the scholarship she may have felt a great relief.
A relief that means she can let go of the burden of financing my studies, she is spared of sleepless nights
worrying about where to get the money for my tuition fee.
And when I lost it it seemed like I gave her back all the burden she had set free, I once again pushed to her
the responsibility she had forgotten to worry about.
It must have been terrible. More terrible than what I felt that time.

I’m sorry mommy.

I wish I can say those words to her…

posted by cameL @ 1:16:00 AM

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